“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
― Joan Rivers
“It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”
― Joan Rivers
“If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor”
― Joan Rivers
“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make
it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll
make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark
the present.”
― Joan Rivers
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
― Joan Rivers
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
― Joan Rivers
“She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”
― Joan Rivers
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
― Joan Rivers
“Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.”
― Joan Rivers
“I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays”
― Joan Rivers
“Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!”
― Joan Rivers
“It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.”
― Joan Rivers
“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”
― Joan Rivers
“If you have more than a couple of kids, you’re not parents—you’re hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.”
― Joan Rivers
“I’m tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?”
― Joan Rivers
“The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”
― Joan Rivers
“Hey, you’re taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!” She scowled and yelled, “I have children!” I yelled back at her, “Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won’t! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don’t want to give a little head?”
― Joan Rivers
“We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don’t give a damn”,”
― Joan Rivers
“Look, I could go on and on and on telling you why I hate myself, but it’s so self-centered…and I’m not like that. I’m a giver. So I’d rather branch out and start giving it to everyone else.”
― Joan Rivers
“I find that kind of “look at me” narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate babies with trendy names like Tiffany and Britney and Heather and Noah and Blake and Justin. I’m sick of Olivia and Chloe and Eva and Madison. I hope Aiden and Jayden and Braden and Graden all suffer minor head injuries while reading Dr. Seuss. Enough already with the cutesy-poo baby names. What happened to John and Dave and Sue? Babies with trendy names grow up to be adults with ridiculous names. “This is our CEO, Micah.” “You know what, Micah? I want my money back. I’m closing my portfolio. I’m going with Michael. He’s a grown-up.” One day all of these trendy-named children will grow up and become parents and then grandparents, and it’s all wrong. Grandma Tori? Zayda Jared? Nana Savannah?”
― Joan Rivers
“If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”
― Joan Rivers
“The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”
― Joan Rivers
“Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate people who sneak into first class to use the bathroom. I’m sitting there, in 4F, sipping Cristal and admiring my new line of jewelry for QVC, and suddenly, busting through the curtain and rushing toward the bathroom is some doughy soccer mom holding her crotch and yelling, “Emergency, emergency!” No, it’s not!!! Opening the main hatch and pushing you out at thirty thousand feet for disturbing me is an emergency.”
― Joan Rivers
“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door—or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”
― Joan Rivers
“Tyra’s always standing up for herself and her “race” over perceived slights. For example, she’ll say, “You just pushed me because I’m black!” No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.”
― Joan Rivers
“I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .”
― Joan Rivers
“Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate Hollywood fund-raisers. I am so bored going to a twenty-five million dollar house to hear a mogul say, “Good news, everyone. Tonight we’ve raised almost twelve thousand dollars!” You paid your gay hustler more than that, you cheap thing. Why not spare all of us the canapés, small talk and crème brûlée and just write a damn check?”
― Joan Rivers
“Liked” was the kiss of death. “Loved” or “hated” interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.”
― Joan Rivers
“I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.”
― Joan Rivers
“Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.”
― Joan Rivers
“People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.”
― Joan Rivers
“Humor doesn’t come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, “But it’s a dry heat!” So’s the inside of my microwave.”
― Joan Rivers
“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.”
― Joan Rivers
“I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.”
― Joan Rivers
“When I was born, my mother asked, ‘Will she live?’. The doctor said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat”.”
― Joan Rivers
“The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…”
― Joan Rivers
“But if the kid is really, really, really ugly, I’ll think What the hell? and just give up and say, ‘Where’d you buy the crib?”
― Joan Rivers
“Sharon and Kelly Osbourne. I love the way they put aside ther difference and united for a commom purpose: trying to figure out what the hell Ozzy was saying.”
― Joan Rivers
“When I was born, my mother asked, ‘Will she live?’ The doctor said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat”
― Joan Rivers
“I hate everyone, starting with myself. (Title of
her autobiography.”
― Joan Rivers
“Marvin Gaye Music superstar Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father. In court the father said, “This is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done.” Probably??????”
― Joan Rivers
“…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.”
― Joan Rivers
“…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.”
― Joan Rivers