“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
― Steven Wright
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
― Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
― Steven Wright
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― steven wright
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
― Steven Wright
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
― Steven Wright
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
― Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
― Steven Wright
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
― Steven Wright
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
― Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
― Steven Wright
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
― Steven Wright
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
― Steven Wright
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
― Steven Wright
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
― Steven Wright
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
― Steven Wright
“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”
― Steven Wright
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
― Steven Wright
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
― Steven Wright
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
― Steven Wright
“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
― Steven Wright
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
― Steven Wright
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
― Steven Wright
“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”
― Steven Wright
“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
― Steven Wright
“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”
― Steven Wright
“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
― Steven Wright
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
― Steven Wright
“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”
― Steven Wright
“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”
― Steven Wright
“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
― Steven Wright
“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
― Steven Wright
“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
― Steven Wright
“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
― Steven Wright
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
― Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
― Steven Wright
“Did you sleep well?”
“No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
― Steven Wright
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
― Steven Wright
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
― Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright
“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
― Steven Wright
“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”
― Steven Wright
“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
― Steven Wright
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
― Steven Wright
“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”
― Steven Wright
“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
― Steven Wright
“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
― Steven Wright
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
― Steven Wright
“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”
― Steven Wright
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
― Steven Wright
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
― Steven Wright
“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”
― Steven Wright
“A metaphor is like a simile.”
― Steven Wright