“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
― Dave Barry
“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”
― Dave Barry
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
― Dave Barry
“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.”
― Dave Barry
“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”
― Dave Barry
“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you’ve been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.”
― Dave Barry
“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.”
― Dave Barry
“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people’s behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there’s nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don’t know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said ‘If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.’
This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.”
― Dave Barry
“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ”
― Dave Barry
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!”
― Dave Barry
“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”
― Dave Barry
“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
― Dave Barry
“Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. ”
― Dave Barry
“The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.”
― Dave Barry
“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.”
― Dave Barry
“Reading… a vacation for the mind….”
― Dave Barry
“Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.”
― Dave Barry
“I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.’ I could not have phrased it better myself.”
― Dave Barry
“You should not confuse your career with your life.”
― Dave Barry
“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
― Dave Barry
“You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, ‘My GOSH, you’re RIGHT! I NEVER would’ve thought of that!”
― Dave Barry
“Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’
Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: ‘Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?’
Don’t be silly. You have a tank, right?”
― Dave Barry
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”
― Dave Barry
“As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”
― Dave Barry
“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.”
― Dave Barry
“Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”
― Dave Barry
“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ”
― Dave Barry
“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.”
― Dave Barry
“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. ”
― Dave Barry
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”
― Dave Barry
“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They’re the kind of people who’d stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn’t bother to stop because they’d want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club”
― Dave Barry
“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
― Dave Barry
“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”
― Dave Barry
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.”
― Dave Barry
“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”
― Dave Barry
“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”
― Dave Barry
“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. ”
― Dave Barry
“There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. “Hey, YOU!” are the sea’s exact words.
If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.”
― Dave Barry
“If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”
― Dave Barry
“Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!”
― Dave Barry
“The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”
― Dave Barry
“Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. ”
― Dave Barry
“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”
― Dave Barry
“If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it’s because you’re TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON’T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.”
― Dave Barry
“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”
― Dave Barry
“Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”
― Dave Barry
“Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.”
― Dave Barry
“normal person’s weekly chore list:
1. clean kitchen.
2. clean bathroom.
3. clean entire rest of domicile.
cleaning impaired person’s weekly chore list:
1. don’t get peanut butter on sheets.”
― Dave Barry
“Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this time, Bob, instead of saying “What’s for dinner?” you say, “Wait a minute! Benzene is actually a hydrocarbon!” And say it with a Norwegian accent. Also, we think maybe your character should have no arms.”
― Dave Barry
“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.”
― Dave Barry