“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” – George Carlin
“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.” – George Carlin
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
“Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.” – George Carlin
“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin
The best George Carlin quotes for a good laugh
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
“Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin
“We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” – George Carlin
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin
“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.” – George Carlin
“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” – George Carlin
“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.” – George Carlin
“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin
“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.” – George Carlin
“’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.” – George Carlin
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin
“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin
“Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin
“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.” – George Carlin
“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” – George Carlin
“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin (see more quotes about atheism)
“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin
“When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin
“Think off-center.” – George Carlin
“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin
“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin