“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”-Joan Rivers
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”-Joan Rivers
“It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.”-Joan Rivers
“I am not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor”-Joan Rivers
“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”-Joan Rivers
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”-Joan Rivers
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”-Joan Rivers
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”-Joan Rivers
“Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.”-Joan Rivers
“Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels!”-Joan Rivers
“It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.”-Joan Rivers
“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”-Joan Rivers
“If you have more than a couple of kids, you’re not parents—you’re hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.”-Joan Rivers
“The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”-Joan Rivers
“If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.”-Joan Rivers
“The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”-Joan Rivers
“Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…”-Joan Rivers
“I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas.”-Joan Rivers
“I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .”-Joan Rivers
“Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”-Joan Rivers
“Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.”-Joan Rivers
“Humor doesn’t come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain, and sorrow. Always the anger.”-Joan Rivers
“The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…”-Joan Rivers
“When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.”-Joan Rivers
“I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened.”-Joan Rivers
“Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.”-Joan Rivers
“Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.”-Joan Rivers
“When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.”-Joan Rivers
“Marriage isn’t a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo,’ which means you bend so you don’t break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.”-Joan Rivers
“Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.”-Joan Rivers
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”-Joan Rivers
“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’”-Joan Rivers
“A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake Mommy before noon.”-Joan Rivers
“My mother could make anybody feel guilty — she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”-Joan Rivers
“My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says the same thing back, ‘How’d you get this new number?’”-Joan Rivers
“Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”-Joan Rivers
“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.”-Joan Rivers
“Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.”-Joan Rivers
“I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.”-Joan Rivers
“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”-Joan Rivers
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”-Joan Rivers
“The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”-Joan Rivers
“Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”-Joan Rivers
“There’s no one to call up and have the same memory bank. … Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman. … I met Harry Truman. … But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna.”-Joan Rivers
“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”-Joan Rivers
“Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.”-Joan Rivers
“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”-Joan Rivers
“I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.”-Joan Rivers
“I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.”-Joan Rivers
“I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward.”-Joan Rivers