- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
- “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln
- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
- “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus
- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein
- “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
- “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
- “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce
- “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
- “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers
- “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”- Ann Landers
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”-A. Milne
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”-Abraham Lincoln
- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”-Abraham Lincoln
- “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”-Abraham Lincoln
- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”-Al McGuire
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”-Alan Dundes
- “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”-Albert Camus
- “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Chekhov
- “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin
- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
- “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch
- “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
- “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell
- “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White
- “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
- “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan