“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: Funny Quotes American Comedian Quotes
“You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”
-Hedberg
“My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”
-Hedberg
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
-Hedberg
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
-Hedberg
“Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got… This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick somethin’ up.'”
-Hedberg
“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
-Hedberg
“It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”
-Hedberg
“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil – and the devil was dill.”
-Hedberg
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
-Hedberg
“I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?”
-Hedberg
“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”
-Hedberg
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
-Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
-Hedberg
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
-Hedberg
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
-Hedberg
“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
-Hedberg
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
-Hedberg
“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”
-Hedberg
“Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”
-Hedberg
“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”
Author: Hedberg Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”
-Hedberg
“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”
-Hedberg
“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
-Hedberg
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
-Hedberg
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
-Hedberg
“I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
-Hedberg
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
-Hedberg
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”
-Hedberg
“People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
-Hedberg
“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
-Hedberg
“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”
-Hedberg
“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.”
-Hedberg
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”
-Hedberg
“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
-Hedberg
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
-Hedberg
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
-Hedberg
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
-Hedberg
“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
-Hedberg
“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?”
-Hedberg
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
-Hedberg
“Why are there no during pictures.”
-Hedberg
“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
-Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Hedberg
“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”
-Hedberg
“I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”
-Hedberg
“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit**, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What’s it look like?'”
-Hedberg
“I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…”
-Hedberg
“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'”
-Hedberg
“A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.”
-Hedberg