Henry Youngman Quotes

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say….
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, “Tut, Tut!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, “Stop The Music!!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

This man dresses like an unmade bed.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
-Henry Youngman

 

 

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, “Why didn’t you walk down?” He said, “because I was going up!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A woman says to a man, “I haven’t seen you around here.” “Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.” “So you’re single!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Are you Polish? Okay, I’ll talk slower.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

“What’s the latest dope on Wall Street?” “My son!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

The hotel I’m in has a lovely closet. A nail.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I don’t mind when my horse is left at the post. I don’t mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, “Which way do I go?” But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race…
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

I was walking down the street, and I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I asked, “What do you want?” “A match” “Why didn’t you ask me?” “I don’t talk to strangers.”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

I know a guy who had his doctor say, “Take some weight off, go to a health club.” The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

 

“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.” “Don’t answer!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner….”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

 

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
-Henry Youngman

 

 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
-Henry Youngman

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