“Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.”
-jerry seinfeld
“She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Oh I gotta get on that internet, I’m late on everything!”
The Voice‘s Mullet-Wearing Kenzie Wheeler Has His Mom to Thank For His Heading Into the Finale!
-jerry seinfeld
“Boutros Boutros-Ghali.”
-jerry seinfeld
“He’s nice, bit of a close talker.”
-jerry seinfeld
“She had man hands.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I’m a fancy boy.”
-jerry seinfeld
“You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.”
-jerry seinfeld
George: “I have a sixth sense.”
Jerry: “Cheapness is not a sense.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I’m on no sleep, no sleep!”
-jerry seinfeld
“You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself!”
-jerry seinfeld
“Looking at cleavage is like looking into the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.”
-jerry seinfeld
Jerry: “Is this about me?”
Elaine: “No.”
Jerry: “Then I’ve lost interest.”
-jerry seinfeld
“That’s a shame.”
-jerry seinfeld
“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”
-jerry seinfeld
“What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?”
-jerry seinfeld
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Hello, Newman.”
-jerry seinfeld
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.”
-jerry seinfeld
Woman: “You don’t know my name, do you?”
Jerry: “Yes I do.”
Woman: “What is it?”
Jerry: “It rhymes with a female body part.”
Woman: “What is it?”
Jerry: “Mulva.”
-jerry seinfeld
“There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.”
-jerry seinfeld
“But I don’t want to be a pirate!”
-jerry seinfeld
“She’s a sentence finisher. It’s like dating Mad Libs.”
-jerry seinfeld
“People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.”
-jerry seinfeld
“If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!”
-jerry seinfeld
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
-jerry seinfeld
“My dream is to become hopeless.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Food and sex. Those are my two passions.”
-jerry seinfeld
“The sea was angry that day my friends.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!”
-jerry seinfeld
“I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure.”
-jerry seinfeld
“You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.”
-jerry seinfeld
“When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters.”
-jerry seinfeld
“If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.”
-jerry seinfeld
“You know it’s funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit.”
-jerry seinfeld
“A George divided against itself cannot stand!”
-jerry seinfeld
“You’re killing independent George!”
-jerry seinfeld
George: (on Kramer): “He stole your girlfriend?”
Susan: “Yes. She’s in love with him.”
George: “Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings ’em back.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I happen to dress based on mood.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Like I don’t know I’m pathetic.”
-jerry seinfeld
“This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.”
-jerry seinfeld
“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.”
-jerry seinfeld
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
-jerry seinfeld