Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, ‘no.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми “Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“If the odds are 50/50, I don’t stand a chance!”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

 

“I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: “They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? “One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, ‘Son, someday none of this will be yours.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

“f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

 

“I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

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