“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
― W.C. Fields
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
― W.C. Fields
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”
― W.C. Fields
“I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.”
― W.C. Fields
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
― W.C. Fields
“I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.”
― W.C. Fields
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
― W.C. Fields
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ”
― W.C. Fields
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money”
― W.C. Fields
“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.”
― W.C. Fields
“I like children. If they’re properly cooked.”
― W. C. Fields
“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”
― W.C. Fields
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
― W.C. Fields
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
― W.C. Fields
“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”
― W.C. Fields
“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler. ”
― W.C. Fields
“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.”
― W.C. Fields
“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”
― WC Fields
“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
― W.C. Fields
“Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!”
― W. C. Fields
“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
― W.C. Fields
“You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
― W.C. Fields
“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake…which I also keep handy.”
― W. C. Fields
“You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living.”
― W.C. Fields
“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”
― W. C. Fields
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
― W.C. Fields
“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.”
― W. C. Fields
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
― W.C. Fields
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”
― W.C. Fields
“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”
― W. C. Fields
“If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.”
― W.C. Fields
“There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
― W.C. Fields
“Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again. ”
― W. C. Fields
“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”
― W.C. Fields
“Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!”
― W.C. Fields
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
― W.C. Fields
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
― W. C. Fields
“All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia”
― W.C. Fields
“I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”
― W.C. Fields
“Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, “You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!”
― W. C. Fields
“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night”
― W.C. Fields
“Never give a sucker an even break.”
― W.C. Fields
“Ain’t fit for man nor beast”
― W.C. Fields
“Never trust a man who doesn’t drink.”
― W.C. Fields
“The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.”
― W.C. Fields
“Don’t be a luddy-duddy! Don’t be a mooncalf! Don’t be a jabbernowl! You’re not those, are you?”
― W.C. Fields
“Here lies W.C.Fields. I’d rather be living in Philadelphia.”
― W.C. Fields
“I’m free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.”
― W.C. Fields